The Bounty Hunter: Jennifer Aniston gets a Glasgow kiss
SNARK ALERT BUT I APPRECIATE THE UK HUMOUR IN THIS
If you don't fancy being handcuffed to Jennifer Aniston for 110 minutes of teeth-gnashing romcom clichés, Paul MacInnes offers an escape route with his condensed version of this week's DVD release
BOUNTY HUNTER By PAUL MACINNES, with apologies to SARAH THORP
1. The Bounty Hunter
2. Production year: 2010
3. Country: USA
4. Cert (UK): 12A
5. Runtime: 110 mins
6. Directors: Andy Tennant
7. Cast: Christine Baranski, Gerard Butler, Gerard Butler , Jennifer Aniston, Natalie Morales, Neal Moritz
8. More on this film
SCENE 1
EXT. Day. The sophisticated streets of New York. On every corner an iconic sight; a yellow taxi, a hot dog stand, a Scottish bruiser BRAWLING in the middle of the road. Gerard Butler is that bruiser. He is the modern leading man, the JOWLS that launched a thousand scripts, and he is RUGBY-TACKLING a woman half his size to the floor.
GERARD BUTLER: C'mere ya wee scumbag!
The woman falls to the ground and her face is revealed. It is RACHEL FROM FRIENDS. She is just as radiant as she was when she first played this EXACT SAME ROLE 20 years ago.
JENNIFER ANISTON: Get off of me you big lump!
GERARD BUTLER: Ta for the compliment doll. But a totally implausible set of circumstances means ah've got to turn you in. Because I'm a bounty hunter
JENNIFER ANISTON [trying to fake incredulity]: And I'm your ex-wife!
Cut to the ghosts of KATHARINE HEPBURN and SPENCER TRACEY with their heads in their hands
SCENE 2
Ext. Panoramic shot of Atlantic City, a CITY OF DREAMS. If your dreams extend no further than a desire to LOSE MONEY and GET DRUNK. Fortunately these are Gerard Butler's two identifiable character traits.
Cut to...
Interior. Night. An Atlantic City hotel. Gerard Butler has returned from the CASINO to find his ex-wife where he left her, HANDCUFFED to the bed.
JENNIFER ANISTON: Mmmm look at me, I'm handcuffed to the bed. Mmmm, isn't that unfortunate. Mmmm, sex.
Gerard Butler has his head nestled in the middle of a CHEESESTEAK SANDWICH. He raises his eyes.
GERARD BUTLER: Didye say sumthin' hen?
JENNIFER ANISTON [indignant]: Oh no, don't mind me. After all I'm used to it. I'm just a 41-year-old woman who's still forced to take roles in which I not only have to pretend to be attracted to an ogre like you, but also have to spend the rest of the movie being ogled by men who, in my real life, I would cross to the other side of the country to avoid!
Jennifer Aniston bursts into tears.
GERARD BUTLER: Christ hen, keep your girdle on.
Butler attempts to shift his face from its CUSTOMARY SNEER into something approaching SYMPATHETIC. He wanders over to Aniston and pats her on the head like he might A SMALL DOG. Cheesy grease is dripping from his chin.
JENNIFER ANISTON [through gritted teeth]: I may be a strong independent woman on the outside, but on the inside I'm just a girl who wants to be loved by her man.*
SCENE 3
Int. Night. A New Jersey TATTOO PARLOUR. Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler are hiding behind a bar, trying to work out WHAT is going on with THE PLOT.
JENNIFER ANISTON: So, we took a completely pointless tour of New Jersey, that much I'm sure of.
GERARD BUTLER: Aye. And there's something about whether our mutual friend is working for a ruthless killer.
JENNIFER ANISTON: But seeing as he's the only black member of the cast, I'd say that's unlikely.
GERARD BUTLER: Fair point doll.
JENNIFER ANISTON: And now, here we are, about to solve the entire mystery.
GERARD BUTLER: What mystery?
JENNIFER ANISTON: I hope that's what we're going to find out.
GERARD BUTLER: Pure excellent! So why don't youse go and flirt with someone while I do some shooting?
JENNIFER ANISTON: [adjusting her dress to emphasise her cleavage]: Another small part of me dies. Oh, and honey, you've got some bacon stuck in your teeth.
GERARD BUTLER: All part of the charm, hen.
The pair reel up from behind the bar in SLOW MOTION. It's just like the end of BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID, except they both died, while you know another film like this one is ONLY AROUND THE CORNER.
*This is an actual line from the movie
www.guardian.co.uk/film/2010/aug/03/bounty-hunter-digested-watch